men's health magazine is trying to kill me

I don't want to sound like a crazy person who is having delusions of grandeur. For delusions of grandeur watch Terminator: the Sarah Connors Chronicles, starring the sexily robotic Summer Glau as Cameron the Terminator with the heart of gold ... Err titanium her heart is double reinforced titanium. But I digress.

A few weeks ago I read Men's Health and got a fat burning workout plan. It was kind of hard, but I bruised my neck really badly when I was doing squats. It was like I was punched in the back of the neck. It hurt and there was a visible bruise for over a week.

Last night I tried these weighted lunges, it was supposed to strengthen legs and back. So I am doing the lunges, thankfully I didn't go and pick up heavier dumbbells to try to impress that smokin hot Asian girl with the short shorts on. Seriously they were just longer than briefs.

Are people not supposed to look at her ass?

Not wanting to sound like a perv, but you accentuate what you want people to look at when you get dressed. I don't think she wanted to wear big baggy sweats and only found a tiny pair of short shorts. I know if my arms were bigger you'd never see me at the gym with a shirt that doesn't show off the guns. But I digress.

After I finished the lunges, I did some ab work and then my legs seized up. Imagine having a charlie horse on the front and back muscles of both of your legs at the same time. I tried to stretch it out. But it didn't help. So I went home slathered in Ben Gay and took a warm shower. It helped a little bit, and sleeping didn't hurt, but I'm not looking forward to getting into the White Plains station after sitting on this train for 35 minutes.

So in short, Men's Health Magazine is trying to take me out!


Mike said...

I'm not sure if you intended for your post to be funny, but I was laughing out loud reading it. I haven't laughed that hard reading your blog since you wrote about falling off the back of the moving truck.

But seriously, you're like a battered wife who keeps going back to her abusive husband. In this case the squat is the abusive husband (played by Sean Penn) and you're Hillary Swank starring in a Lifetime movie.

For the love of God, stop trying to do squats! Why does someone who sits at a desk 40+ hours a week need to leg press a Honda? Or at least try to do the exercises without any weights first to see how your body reacts. You want to work out your legs? Run up and down the stairs leading up to your apartment a dozen times.

Squat within your means, laddy!!!! And never walk in another mans lie!!!!

And as a side note, you should have collapsed at the feet of the asian girl and asked her to rub your seized thighs with Ben Gay. I could just see it now, you curled in the fetal position screaming "GROIN PULL". I was going to say to have her do that hand rub thing that Mr. Miagi did in Karate Kid, but that would be racist. My first statement is only sexist ;-).

And you're right on about that bitch wearing shorts because she wanted you to look. It's the same reason I wear a thong whenever I go jogging.

niel said...

I love the image of leg pressing a honda.

I'm going to make a tshirt that says "here's a few free tickets ..." And on the back it'll say "to the gun show!" And of course I'll rip the sleves off.

And your last sentence is why I would never go jogging with you!

Pooka said...

You have a Honda, so get to it.

Mike said...

The Honda leg press should totally be an event in the Worlds Strongest Man contest.